My Prophet

At the news that President Hinckley passed away, I have become quite introspective. I love that man so much. He has taught so many valuable lessons, most meaningfully to me were those on how to live happily. He practiced what he preached, and he preached what he practiced.

Before President Hinckley I don't know if I can say I had a testimony of living prophets. This may be partly to do with the fact that I was 14 years old when he was called as prophet and president of the church, but for me it was more than that. I struggled for most of my teenage years knowing, not only whether or not the church was true, but even if I really had a Heavenly Father who loved me and a true Savior in Jesus Christ. This all came together for me when I was 19 years old, and living away from home as a nanny.

Being away from home was what it took for me. To be honest, at first I reveled in the freedom of not having to "pretend" to be an active member, and for a short while, I all but left the church in the dust. Then, seemingly out of no where I was completely miserable! Completely. I remember writing in my journal that I felt like I had no soul. I came to the realization that I was feeling guilty because I wasn't living up to the standards I had been taught were correct, but at the same time I didn't even know if I believed all of that stuff anyway! I was faced with a challenge; I had to know for myself whether or not the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were, in fact, true. If they were, then living the teachings would bring me the happiness they promised, and if not, I didn't need to feel guilty for not living them.

I started with the Book of Mormon and prayer, two things that had been gathering dust on the shelves and in my heart for a very long time. I started the Book of Mormon at Words of Mormon because I had read First and Second Nephi countless times, and I wanted this time to be different. As I read through King Benjamin's addresses to his people, and on in to the conversions of Alma, Alma the younger and the sons of Mosiah, and so many others, I knew that the words I was reading were true, that these men were in fact prophets of God.

Shortly afterward I had the opportunity to visit Palmyra, New York, where Joseph Smith talked with God the Father, and Jesus Christ. Although I don't think it is necessary to visit the Sacred Grove to gain a testimony that Joseph Smith was a prophet, for me, with the timing of my visit and the current state of my seeking for truth, the reality of his vision became an undeniable part of my life as I felt a truly unique spiritual presence in that otherwise ordinary grove of trees.

I can say that I felt a love for and respect for President Hinckley before I actually had a testimony of his prophetic calling...what's not to love about a charismatic, witty, downright hilarious old man?? But it was during the April session of General Conference in 2000 that again, I sought for truth, and again I found it. I can't tell you a single thing that was said at that conference, but I can say that from that moment on I knew that a prophet of God was on the earth, and that President Gordon B. Hinckley was that prophet. My prophet.

Have I had doubts over the last nine years, you betcha. Have I sinned, and faltered, and lost my way from time to time? So, so much. But I have a redeemer, I have a savior, and He has saved me time, after time, after time, and for the last nine years I have never doubted that I have a soul, a valuable soul.